This post is my sixth post in a month of blogging that I’m doing, as an exercise in my Praxis curriculum. It’s an exercise designed to push me as a writer and a thinker, to help me get beyond my fear of shipping content, and to begin developing content that’s true to me as a person.
Hey. This is a post for guys, for clarity on relationships with women, and I am not going to waste time tip-toeing or being politically correct. This post is from a man’s perspective, for other men, about a topic that I’m deeply concerned about because I hate seeing my friends’ hearts broken.
I’ve spent countless hours on the phone with a friend of mine in the past few months. He recently had his heart absolutely destroyed by a girl he’s been in a committed relationship with for a very long time. These two loved each other deeply, and swore that they’d be together always. She recently decided to enroll in a college in another state, and the two were left with a decision: to break up, or not to break up. A funny thing happened.
A week after she went away to college, all of a sudden she declared that they needed to break up, and that she needed to “go find herself.” Guess what happened? She had started having sex with another dude almost instantaneously – in less than a week! And she wanted out of her relationship with my friend. And that’s her choice. She can do whatever she wants. It’s a reflection of her, but it’s a reflection of my friend, as well.
In fact, this pattern of girls cheating on their boyfriends was one of the most common things I saw when I was in college in Santa Barbara. My friends and I would go out to parties, and I’d see countless girls cheat on their boyfriends. An attractive boy would hit on a girl, and give them the feels, and the next thing I knew I’d see the girl being led away into a bedroom or a bathroom to go do their thing. It was disturbing. It completely ruined my view of committed relationships.
I’ve seen wives cheat on husbands – “Christian” wives, even! How crazy is that?! I’ve literally witnessed the mother of a friend of mine cheat on her husband with a ripped young man in a parking lot late at night. I know supposedly “Christian” women that have had affairs on their husbands.
Of course, it goes both ways; guys cheat as well. I’m not discounting that. It’s just as common. But that’s not what I’m concerned with at the moment. I’d like to take a closer look at why women tend to cheat on men, and what we can do to stop it from happening to us.
Here’s a truth, an undeniable principle of life: if, as a man, you put a woman above all of your other priorities in life, you just began a timer on a ticking time bomb in your relationship. It is literally only a matter of timebefore she loses interest in you, leaves you, or (God forbid) cheats on you (Not all women will leave their partners, or cheat on them… but you can be certain that he won’t be getting laid… not until he attracts her again.)
Read that again, and read it very carefully. No, I did not write “if you make a woman a priority in your life…”
I wrote “if you put a woman above all of your other priorities in life…”
Women deserve to be priorities in our lives. They deserve our attention, and our love, and our adoration, just like we deserve theirs. This is the natural way things work, and it’s certainly the way God intended it.
But they are not meant to be the focal point.
I’ve seen studs, total alphas, guys on top of their shit and seemingly untouchable, get cheated on.
Cause here’s the truth about our world: People cheat on the partners. A lot. A fucking lot. There is almost zero emphasis in our society on the value of commitment, perseverance, and dedication in relationships.
Human beings have primal urges, and just like men are undoubtedly attracted to women with wide hips, big breasts, and any number of other traits, women are biologically hardwired to find (and fuck) alpha men. It’s simply in our DNA. We’re hardwired to seek certain traits in a mate. Women do not want lovers that are weak, powerless, and passive doormats. Why would they? Women want confident, dominant, focused men, men that are on top of their shit, alive, and full of passion on a daily basis. Men that do not care about what others think, men who are ready to embrace life’s challenges. Men that have testosterone and passion practically leaking from their pores.
We have this weird, screwed up societal narrative that women are attracted to nice guys who simply treat them well and will do anything to save their beloved damsel in distress. No, this is a lie – in fact, it’s total bullshit. Couldn’t be less true. Is it good to be chivalrous? Absolutely, that’s awesome. But there’s more to attraction than simply kind intentions.
For a man to be in a place like that, he needs a mission. He needs to be drawn towards something that occupies his attention, makes him feel alive, and helps him tap into the endlessly passionate energy that exists deep within him. It’s very easy to tell when a man is connected to his mission and purpose. They’re hard to find in this world, and they’re incredibly easy to identify, because they stand out like a fire in the night.
And when women find men like that, they’re often magnetically drawn. It’s an amazing thing to watch. It’s so predictable, and it’s a beautiful sight to behold.
In fact, men are often in this state when they end up finding a woman and falling in love with that woman.
After that point, one of two things happens:
The woman slowly becomes the focal point in that man’s life, because she unfortunately provides a stronger attraction than whatever it is that the man’s into
A healthy relationship ensues, because the woman’s met a man who is so totally committed to his journey, that he’s simply bringing her along. She isn’t the journey, she’s just a part of it.
Let’s go back to my original example, my friend. When he met this girl, he was a stud that was in touch with the things he was passionate about, he didn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion of him, and he was the man. The funny, charismatic guy that was often the center of attention. This is obviously deeply attractive, and these traits attracted his girlfriend. However, as time went on, he slowly lost touch with those things that he was passionate about (part of this is because his life circumstances changed, outside of his control), and he became more and more focused on their relationship with each other. In this process, crucial and attractive elements of his personality slowly faded away. Soon, their relationship was the thing that made him feel alive – not the other things in his life. And then the relationship was doomed.
I’d like to insert a couple quotes here, from the book The Rational Male, by Rollo Tomassi. There’s some seriously powerful truth and wisdom to be found here:
“Women should only ever be a compliment to a man’s life – never the focus of it… this is a position that most women will find endearing at first, but suffocating in the end.”
“Women want to ‘want’ their men. Women want a Man who other men want to be, and other women want to fuck. She doesn’t want a slave to her intimacy since this puts her in the masculine role. Rather, she wants a decisive mature man who has the confidence to put her off, to tell her ‘No’, in favor of his ambition and passions, as this serves two purposes. First, it sets his frame and his direction as the one of authority, and his development as the primary; the results of which she and her potential children will benefit from. Secondly, it puts her into a position of chasing after him – essentially his legitimate ambitions and passions become the ‘other woman’ with which she must compete for his attention.
A man should never make a woman the central focal point in his life, just like a woman should never make her man the central focal point in her life. That’s far too much pressure to put on a relationship. It’s unhealthy. Focus on your own goals, the things that make you want to wake up in the morning. Focus on serving other people and making the world a better place. Focus on bettering yourself as a person, as much as you can. If you’re into it, make room for God and His love in your life. These things are insanely attractive features, when properly implemented.
If you have a romantic partner, take them along with you on this journey. Don’t make them the journey. So let me ask you, my friend… have you been making her your journey? I certainly hope not. Continue to love her, and keep her by your side. Keep your priorities straight. Take her along on your journey… don’t make her thejourney.