I’m a bit conflicted today.
I feel as if I’m about to do something that goes against my convictions, and I want to write out my thoughts and see if I can make sense of it.
Recently, I’ve been feeling fucking awful. I’ve been trying to function as “naturally” (without the use of pharmaceutical or supplemental augmentation) as I possibly can and switch back to a natural metabolism. I’ve been doing this in order to bring my body into a more alkaline, healthy, natural state, but it hasn’t been working.
I began vaporizing cannabis sativa recently in an effort to further cleanse, restore, and revitalize all of the tissues in my body, and to freshen my mind’s creative ability.
Although I’ve felt great anti-inflammatory effects from the magical plant, it’s also made me feel very congested (not sure of the mechanism here yet).
This congestion is something I’ve dealt with for most of my life, and the past couple of years it has scared me terribly into thinking that I may suffocate to death.
Last night, while falling asleep, my congestion was absolutely terrible. I could hardly breathe through my nose. At one point, I thought to myself, “Man, if I was in some sort of emergency situation and someone had duct taped my mouth shut, I’d probably die of suffocation because thatis how badly I can’t breathe out of my nose.
When I awoke today, I could barely breathe, my nose was clogged, and my oxygen saturation was at a terribly low 93%. While dreaming, there were periods in time when I would drift completely unconscious due to how low my oxygenation was – this is something that has happened frequently throughout my life. I can vaguely remember it happening when I was a kid.
After waking up, I lay in bed incredibly fatigued. “This is familiar,” I thought to myself.
It got me thinking.
HERE’S THE PROBLEM:
Whatever pathogens in my system are notgetting beaten, as I originally intended.
Instead, they’re gaining dominance and sucking my life force beyond an acceptable level.
I’m not clearing mucus from my system.
My mind has been weak.
My ability to focus has declined, my ability to set goals and follow through with them is almost entirely diminished.
I’ve been scatterbrained, all over the place, failing to respond to people’s texts and messages, failing to remember appointments… the full nine yards.
My heart has been weakening, as has my entire body and all of my organs.
I’m not resetting and purifying and detoxifying my gut – it’s going backwards, actually. Despite consuming massive quantities of glutamine and stuff, I’ve experienced intense food allergies reminiscent of food particles escaping into my blood stream due to gut permeability. I’ve been incredibly inflamed recently, too.
As my digestion has weakened, my body has weakened, too. I can’t digest my food, so I can’t recover from my workouts. As a result, an average workout will leave me sore for many days afterwards – a few years ago, I would have been able to recover from the same workout in a day or two, tops.
I’m not making any gains in the gym – I’m actually falling significantly backwards and losing muscle mass – I’ve lost 10lbs of lean mass since 2016, and all of my lifts have significantly lowered.
My immune system is weakened greatly.
My internal ability to generate heat (thermogenesis) has been weakened to the point where my body isn’t strong enough to spend time in the Pacific Ocean when it’s cold (very bad).
I’m not making significant career moves with my wedding filmmaking business – partially because I don’t have enough energy and focus – and that’s concerning to me.
Ultimately, I’m not making any of the concrete forward progress that I’ve been intending to make in my current timeline. I’m behind. At my current trajectory, all of the things I’ve just mentioned will almost undoubtedly get worseas I continue to move forward into the future, doing everything I’m doing now.
I’ve been filled with anxiety. I’ve been filled with confusion and pain. I feel like I’m living at 5% of my total capacity right now, and I do not like it.
One thing could change all of this. There’s one lead domino.
I have an unopened vial out in my desk. It’s almost two years old, but it’s airsealed and has been kept in a cool, dark place. I’m not even sure if it’s good anymore.
I’ve thought about using it prior to now, but it’s been so old.
Up until now, I feel like I’ve made so much forward progress that it would be a step backwards to use it again.
But what other choice do I have?
A voice in the back of my head tells me, “Trust in God, don’t use the testosterone.”
I like that idea. I really do. I like the idea that the Lord would support me in my frailty if I continued on the path that I’m on. But I REALLY don’t like the idea of further falling into frailty.
I want to gain an extremely strong footing in this life. I want to be a rock, for myself and others! I want to be a rock spiritually, physically, financially, emotionally, and personally. I want to be grounded in my ability to physically, mentally, and emotionally persevere. I want to be the strongest human I can be. I want my cup to runneth over, for the benefit of everyone around me.
And while I’m in this continually weakening state, I feel like I have almost nothing to give. I do not like it.
“Go use the testosterone,” you might think to yourself.
Here’s the thing: if I use the testosterone right now, I don’t want to fall into the same patterns that I’ve had in the past. Testosterone is a POWERFUL hormone, and it has historically influenced my decision making process towards an overly-consumptive, ego-driven, self-centered approach towards life. In the past, it’s strengthened the immaturity within my character.
I don’t want it to do that this time. I don’t want to slip into the same ego-gratifying patterns that the testosterone boost has pushed me into in the past. I want to continue developing spiritually, so I recognize I need to be very intentional about using my testosterone vial.
So, here are my intentions:
1. I will use testosterone to support the healing of my body. I will first and foremost specifically use the powerful increase in my metabolism to support a shift towards ketosis, to generate increased amounts of internal heat, and to increase my digestion so that I can eliminate any pathogens that may be hiding within my digestive tract.
2. I will use testosterone to support the development of my career.I am at a pivotal moment in time right now with my wedding filmmaking – a make-or-break point, if you will. There is still plenty of time to shoot plenty of wedding films throughout the rest of this year, and to make enough money to spend the upcoming winter months either in A) Australia, enjoying their summer weather down south, or B) Hawaii. This is very, very important for my health, my momentum in life, and for my relationship with my grandmother – I cannot and will not spend another year at her house. The opportune moment to make my massive career leap has come, I’m extremely fortunate to have had this opportunity to create my own career path, and it’s up to me to see it through to full liftoff.
3. I will use testosterone to create abundance in my life, and I will appreciate that abundance and recognize it as the gift from God that it is.
4. I will do my best to stay away from refined carbohydrates, sugars, and other mucous-producing foods during this time. My body may have cravings for sweet potatoes and other sugars, but it’s important to contextualize them – those are, most likely, a response of pathogens dying in my system and needing further sustenance so they can stay alive, and continue sucking from my life force. I CANNOTindulge them. The most ideal mode of functioning moving forward would be a state of nutritional ketosis – by far, this would best support my mitochondria, the generation of new and healthy mitochondria, my brain health, and my longevity. However, it may not be totally realistic. We’ll see.
5. I understand that exogenous testosterone is a crutch, to be sure… but it is also valuable tool. I intend to use it as a tool.I will use the testosterone to “get back on my feet,” so to speak. I will use my increased willpower and motivation from testosterone in order to develop a greater understanding of how to use different tools and methodologies to support health within my body, so that I can eventually completely get off the testosterone once again, and function like a normal, healthy male.
I’ve done this before.
What I Can Expect:
First, I’ll get a surge of energy. All of my muscles and organs will feel vitalized. My mind, my motivation, my linear thought-processing, my drive, my creativity – all of these things will be significantly enhanced.
In the past, when I’ve restarted dosing testosterone, I’ve begun feeling “manic,” in the sense that I get such a burst of creativity and drive that my imagination begins creating scenarios in which I’m influencing the planet with my content, etc.
This isn’t impossible – I believe that I will create content that will massively influence humanity in a positive fashion – however, at this moment in time, it isn’t productive to fixate on those visions and fantasies.
Instead, it’ll be important to breathe, and to continually ask myself: how can I maximize this energy towards my mission of making my body healthy, documenting and sharing my progress, building a solid career, and creating art that lights my soul on fire?
These are the important questions. These are the questions that will allow me to make maximal use of this powerful hormone.
Further, I will also likely have a huge craving for carbohydrates. It’s important to ignore these as best as I can – carbohydrates will not serve my mission. My mission is to become adapted to ketosis so I can reap the full benefits of it. There is a lotto be gained in that regard, and I want to take advantage of this.
If I indulge in carbohydrates, I can almost certainly assure that my mitochondria will not become fully fat-adapted, and I will not be making significant forward progress. I can expect that my gut will grow and become less efficient, too, which is not ideal. I’ve spent a lot of time getting rid of the useless junk in my gut, and I don’t want to go back to adding a lot more to it.
Edit: I stopped writing this blog post because I wasn’t sure where to take it. I made the decision to go back on the testosterone – I’m writing this less than 24 hours later.
Testosterone and “God Mode”
Around 36 hours ago, I reapplied exogenous testosterone for the first time in 2 years.
I was very conflicted before doing so (read my last blog post to see why).
I feel happy with my decision to do it. I think I made the right decision – although there was a voice in the back of my head that was telling me to be patient, allow things to run their course, and not put the T back in my body.
I didn’t listen to that voice. The implications would involve a lot of suffering, and they didn’t make sense to me. So I chose not to listen to it.
Upon applying my testosterone cream, the effects set in within a number of hours.
All of my anxieties melted away, replaced instead by calmness, confidence, and sureness in myself.
My heart palpitations instantly went away. My shortness of breath disappeared.
My muscles began swelling as the full potential of blood flow and strength returned to them.
My mind’s capacities expanded – all of a sudden, I could see much farther into my own future. Almost as if someone had removed a blindfold from my cognitive power, I could once again clearly and precisely extrapolate my actions many months into the future.
I could feel what I interpret as my “magnetic charge” begin to increase. The sheer gravity of my presence around other people felt much stronger and more powerful.
I felt back in the driver’s seat of the super high powered vehicle that is my mind-body-spirit matrix. By reintroducing the testosterone to my system, I’d turned the keys in the ignition.
The engine roared to life.
I’ve been hovering in first and second gear for the past 36 hours.
Testosterone is a fascinating thing, man. Describing it with its clinical definition – as “primary male sex hormone” doesn’t do it justice. It’s the fucking foundational spiritual and molecular component to manhood.
On managing the ego’s disposition towards seeking “godhood”
One remarkable thing frequently happens when I have very high testosterone:
As I look and feel closer to my full potential, I begin seeing visions of myself in the future in what I imagine to be my “full potential,” and my ego becomes huge.
It’s something to be very cautious of.
My intentionality in testosterone usage (which I touched on in my last post) is very important. A big ego isn’t necessarily a bad thing – but when it becomes destructive, it can be a very bad thing.
I’ll write more on this in the future. Just dumping some thoughts for now.
I’m not sure I want to continue using the TRT right now. I haven’t used it in a couple days.
It seems that my body is struggling to detoxify the excess estrogen from the TRT, the thyroid meds I’m on, and my body’s own natural production. I’m feeling pretty soft and not super driven. My detoxification systems have already been super burdened the past several months, but right now they feel especially weak, and I could normally just take uridine and eat a lot more broccoli and garlic in order to take care of the estrogen (no problem), but I’m not going to do that right now because I’m trying out this carnivore diet. It seems so promising.
I am, however, going back to my doctor next week to go refill my TRT prescription. It’s always handy to have on-hand in order to jumpstart my metabolism when things get slow.
I’d rather be at my peak as naturally as possible, instead. But it is good to have on hand.